ENCOURAGED IN HEART

My weekly weigh-in revealed NADA.  Friends borrowed Lucy to weigh luggage for their upcoming international flights…so she’s talking to luggage instead of me! It feels both weird and freeing to not have her home.  “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” – we’ll see just how fond I’ve grown (or shrunk!) after she’s back home!

Thursday night I went out to see a movie.  I even skipped dinner to save some calories for my “free” popcorn coupon (I don’t even LOVE the theater popcorn … but I had a “free” bag coupon).  Even as I type these words I can barely believe I fell back into the “it’s free — eat” trap…my bargain didn’t hook me up.  Even as I draft this blog, my quick freehand reeks of shamefulness.  I SNARFED big and bad.  Oh, I also had some over priced nasty milk chocolate cookie dough candy that I in no way enjoyed the taste (yes, I still ate it – ACK!) But, I felt like a big girl (in the midst of a tantrum) and ate because I could!

It was ONE day and it’s no biggie.  Well, that’s only partially true.  The big part is that it’s not what I ate…it’s why.

Hence my sweet nugget from God.

I over ate Thursday night at the movies (okay, binged…uck!) because I didn’t do a good job managing my emotions or choices this week. No one to blame but me. (Wow, that wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be to write!) I over extended and felt the briskness well up.  I said “yes” to volunteer in both my sons’ schools during the time I normally allot to exercise and write.  I made the choices.  No one bullied me. I moved away from my margin living and felt the consequence. It was powerful reminder to get back on track.

God broke it all down for me as He revealed a history pattern…a distinguished career of snarfing and stuffing.

Again, it’s not WHAT I ate that made me obese.  But most importantly…it’s WHY.

Hummmmmmmmm.  Why….

Just to get the “what” thought out of the way…sure, eating popcorn, candy, garbage, even healthy food in large quantities makes most fat (there are some skinny ones with lighting speed metabolisms that can get away with mucho…and for those gals, SORRY for my dirty looks!).  So yes, for my friends who like me, are pondering the theory, “what” is important, but only scratches the surface.

I had to take “why” steps further.  “Why” required a difficult and earnest self examination.  Here’s “Why”:

• Because I deserve it (my favorite, can you tell I was born in the U.S.A?)
• Because I’m busy and failed to plan ahead, I need to eat fast food.
• Because Mom died. I ate to avoid the pain.
• Because I was ashamed not being able to have a baby.
• Because I want to.
• Because it’s there.
• Because a friend said something mean and I was too scared to confront in love.
• Because I need to wind down. (Used to wind down with cigarettes, drinks, now food?!)

So I’m left with a additional “Why” that is, “Why isn’t God good enough to wind down with?”  Well, I accepted a fraud, a substitute for the Real Thing.

Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. John 9:3-5 (Message)

I wanted to blame someone, something, anything but myself.  I need margins in my schedule, boundaries to say, “no” to even great “priced right” opportunities such as Thursday night’s “free” (evil) popcorn! All right, all right…it didn’t just pop into my mouth, I put it there…

So as I practice living a life of margins and boundaries, I feel a powerful void.  When you first separate from a destructive behavior, you will actually fell like there is a void in your life. Don’t worry.  Change is always rough at first. (1)

So I looked at what God can do.  God provided a way out. He’s helped me say no to good and great opportunities in order to say “yes” to the best opportunities. Checking in with Him through prayer BEFORE I offer an “answer” has provided peace, stability, joy that I can no longer be without.

And the silver lining to all this is that to maintain peace is hard work.

Peace is work – sounds oxy-moronic, huh?

So I needed a plan.  Here are some that have worked for me, despite slip ups.  I am committed to the process of progress, not perfection. So in grace, I need to plan for slip ups to happen. This past week I had some slip ups…in my schedule and eating choices. It wasn’t failure, but a great reminder of what didn’t work in my peace process.

Spiritually:

• -Daily private prayer/journal/read time with God.  No longer any formula – just will happen as one of the first “to do’s”.
• -Weekly accountability/prayer partner – my friend Nancy and I have a set phone date (that is flexible, but is a priority to both of us that it will always occur weekly).
• -Sunday is blocked off as Family Day. After church, it’s vital we connect.  We have very limited flexibility around this (minus a birth or death) as the week can quickly slip away if we’re not on guard.

Physically:

• -Less TV.
• -More sleep.
• -Exercise (3 cardio and 2 strength training) sessions of at least 30 minutes.
• -No phone calls accepted during meals.

Emotionally:

• - Wednesday date night with my hubby. (Our goal is 3 out of the home dates a month).
• -One free night a week out for me.
• -Christmas and Easter Day at home.

Financially:

• - No credit card debt.
• - Tithe.

Will you make the fierce (I’m still digging that word!) choice to ask the frightening question, “Why?” Once you know the truth, the truth will set you free!  Denial did not set me free, Truth did!

“If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.” John 8:31-32 (Message)

(1) Joyce Meyer, Look Great, Feel Great (New York: Warner Faith, 2006), 119.

My weekly weigh-in revealed a three ounce loss…the past few weeks I’ve been more like a percolator coffee pot (the slow drip kind!) but heck, I’ll take the drips!

The nugget God dropped on my heart this week is to take the path of least avoidance.

That’s a dramatically different path than the way I walked my past 30 years; which had been the path of least resistance (avoiding pain at all costs!).

I biked this Saturday and realized when I see curbs, with no slanted handicap entrance, I peddle faster and enter head first into the challenge. I love the quick thrill of taking the curb (the whole 5 inches I’m in the air!) and challenge!   I feel…well, fierce!  And viola – my baby finally has a name, yup, you guessed
it…Fierce!

Woo-hoo! She is Fierce in her sleek slate color with black slimming accents and modestly placed crimson flair!

Fierce and I climbed up a grassy hill to the desired paved path and this message stuck to me like glue.  I glanced down to check my heart rate on my spiffy monitor/watch, only to pant a chuckle out. Fierce isn’t the only gal in town with crimson flair!  Me too with my fierce nails!

I celebrate on this journey; I am no longer choosing the path of least resistance.  The well worn path has been replaced with the path of least avoidance.  In all aspects of my life: grief, in emotional, physical and spiritual health.  Heck, even in my physical fitness!  The path of least resistance helped me avoid pain and painful people.

I cry now. I’m learning to open up and trust (the correct people) and share, for that’s “safe” for me.  I used to only worry about what was “safe” for others.

I recently read, It’s So Hard to Love You by Bill Klatte and Kate Thompson.  On page 95, they offered awesome practical advice on dealing with pain/painful people:

1.  Feel It – acknowledge accept your thoughts/feelings.
2.  Think It – rethink what happened and plan how you’ll respond.
3.  Act It – replace your old behavior with new.

This week, I felt overwhelmed with grief in my missing Romeo.  Frequently, I felt the familiar urge inside, of my chompers getting started.  I recognized the urge for what it was, an emotional need, versus a physical hunger.  Instead of eating food (because I wasn’t physically hungry…I was sad, emotionally hungry) I painted my nails.

We all have our individual quirks.  I happen to be inundated with them (hence another request to PRAY FOR DAVE!). It’s a pet peeve of mine to take the time to paint my nails only to dent them up before their dried. Yup, painting my ½ inch long nails (I’m not exaggerating, I just measured…) did the trick.  I followed the outlines step and I experienced delight:

Feel – I felt sad.
Replace- I will not eat, because I am not hungry. What to do…I will do something to occupy my hands.
Act – I painted my nails.

Well, to sum things up, the path of least avoidance equals more work. Feel free to go ahead and roll your eyes, have a hissy fit and get it out…because that’s Step 1…CHECK. 

In my pursuit to “do life” God’s way, He’s required major adjustments made.  I believe there are more adjustments to come, and no matter what – I’m not quitting. So slide over Paris Hilton, “That’s Hot” has been replaced with “That’s Fierce!”

I’m not trying to get my way
in the world’s way
I’m trying to get your way,
your Word’s way.
I’m staying on your trail;
I’m putting one foot
In front of the other.
I’M NOT GIVING UP. Psalm 17:4-5 (Message)

If you have made the choice to not quit, then sister, you’re fierce too!

Which path are you on? The least resistance or the least avoidance?  It takes just one turn to change paths.  I pray today, you make the choice to fiercely go forward!

My weekly weigh-in revealed a 7 ounce loss.  Though I should be celebrating a “deficit” week, seven ounces isn’t all I lost this week.

Unexpectedly, there was a 44 pound loss too.  My first baby. (On the left, that’s our baby girl, Juliet, who we’ve been missing two years now – on the right, Romeo.)

Empty, that’s how both his bed and I feel.

This past Saturday, Romeo, was put down. He was 14 years old and began having more frequent mini-stroke/seizures. The vet opined it was no longer safe to keep Romeo unsupervised around the boys. I awoke the morning after, with balled up tissues in the very same spot he woke the previous morning, on the floor, right next to my side of the bed.

I miss him so much.  I miss dog fur being everywhere. I miss looking out so to not trip over him.  Heck, I miss tripping over him.  I miss when I said hello to him,  he’d remain in his balled up circle of fur, gently lifting his head and wagging his tail saying, “I love you too Mommy, I’m just too arthritic to get up and lick you.”

I was stationed in Georgia when I adopted Romeo from the Animal Shelter.  He was in run number seven, so initially, his name was Seven.  The night I brought him home, my three female house mates and I sat in a circle, welcoming Seven to the family.  One by one, he ran blissfully to each, showering us with endless sloppy kisses.  We agreed, his name had to be Romeo for he was a love bug.

The nugget God revealed this week is what unconditional love looks like.  Romeo logged infinite miles and tears with me.  And from his faithful love, God revealed two life examples of what unconditional love looks like:

1.  When your loved one’s sad, don’t offer advice. Just wedge your butt up next to them and listen.

2.  When life seems overwhelming.  Find a sunspot and collapse.  Life is always better after a nap.

Sunday my family walked/biked/scootered to a local dinner out. We passed a ga-zillion dog walking families and I grieved the void in our own.

On the way home, we veered into Giant to pick up a couple of odd ends. By odd ends I mean, Milk Duds. For me. Now don’t go get the intervention crew, Milk Duds are on my eating plan.  Yes.  Three, three hundred calorie treats are on my plan.  Sunday restarts the clock on my three count, so what better day to restart the clicking clock than the first day? I thought so too.

So, Dave took the boys to helmet up as I checked out. As I scanned my duds through the self-check out, the dude in the lane next to me is literally chugging fluid from a brown, long-necked glass bottle so he can cap it, then scan the bottle. I’m guess I’m doing okay…well, compared to this guy.  He’s a train wreck.  I can at least wait until I pay until I drop a dud in my choppers.

SO not gonna work buddy, the conveyor belt’s smarter than us.  It somehow, magically, knows the weight of your already-consumed beverage. You’re gonna cause the shopper assistance light to start blinking…see, it’s blinking.

“It’s the weight of the bottle that’s not jiving”, no sooner spoken, now my light’s  blinking because the Little Critter coloring book isn’t scanning.  Why do I even bother with the self check out lane anyway…

I’m compelled to Mr. Thirsty…cause Mrs. Sweet is ready to get her “chew on”. So here I am with my duds, there that dude is with what I assume to be his (now empty) beer bottle. 

Wow, this dude’s doing much worse than me…should I take this time to talk to him about the love of Jesus so he doesn’t have to go sniff out another bottle to chug?

The Shopping Assistant comes, it’s a beer alright, root beer.  Maybe he wasn’t in as much of a crisis as I thought. Either way, now I couldn’t stop laughing.  I had to turn around.  I kept laughing.  Grief makes me freaky, to say the least. Bawling to laughing – a nut job.

God showered me with unconditional love through a furry, four-legged, faithful friend, my boy Romeo.  And I’m so grateful God gave him to me, to teach me what unconditional love looks like. God is always eager to listen…and so was Romeo.

I love you, God— you make me strong.
God is bedrock under my feet,
the castle in which I live,
my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1-2 (Message)

Do you see His unconditional love for you? It may not be a huge sea that parts down the middle for you to cross over to the other side.  It may be the hug of friend, a smile from a stranger, a song that seemed played just for you, or a butt wedged up next to you. He’s loving you…are you seeing it?