ENCOURAGED IN HEART

  What if you’re getting ready to approach a friend and like me, you’ve experienced an overwhelming amount of fear?
I’m going to ask you today to choose faith over fear. Face the fear head on. Meet that fear with faith. I think it’s okay to ask God, “What if I lose a friendship by approaching this person? Or, what if they tell me off?” Losing a friend is a huge fear of mine. It’s one that I’ve not only had to face but also live out. But I also believe these questions need to be taken one step further, “Would this response (a lost friendship or being told off) mean that I missed you God?”

I don’t want to sound cold-hearted here. Part of my growing up in my faith in God has been letting go of other’s responses. The good and the bad. This has been a HUGE learning curve for me. I’ve allowed my sinful pattern of people pleasing to limit my obedience to God.

I don’t ever, not once, want to be found out of God’s will…yet sadly I have been.

I also don’t ever, not once, want the source of someone else’s pain. And somehow I’ve decided that if I confront or approach someone that I’m going to be a pain giver. Kinda like Hulk Hogan from the top ropes without the bleached out mullet.

The friends that have spoken truth in my life, like my BFF God, have caused me pain. That’s the truth. Growing pains. And those very same pains God has used for His glorious gains. Less of me and more of Him is a kingdom gain. So I don’t have to be ashamed of the pain that brings gain. (You have no idea how bad I want to rap…).

Something that I’ve learned and I feel pressed to share with you here is that others responses (good or bad) do not determine my obedience to God.

Do not allow anyone’s responses (good or bad) to determine your obedience to God.

Romans 12:18 encourages, “If possible, live in peace with everyone. Do that as much as you can.”  I’m so grateful for the “if possible” part because the whole enchilada doesn’t depend on just you or me. Check out three peeps that were obedient and didn’t get the hoped-for-responses:

Moses was obedient and the Israelites belly ached. God had his back.
Joseph was punked by family and friends and kept serving the Lord. God had his back.
Job was faithful and his circumstances didn’t line up. God had his back.

What if you lose a friendship because you chose to approach? That’s a very real question. But, what if you gain a friend because you chose to approach? Both are distinct possibilities. And….

If you approach someone and don’t get a ticker tape parade from them…praise God.
If you approach someone and get an improved/deepened friendship…praise God.

Because the truth of the matter is that God has your back no matter what.

Don’t allow anyone, anything or any response to derail you from following fast after God. God’s the One who judges people and will have your back. Trust Him. (Deuteronomy 32:35)

I want to ask something from you today. If you’ve confronting confrontation, approaching the approach and responding to the responses I want to pray for you and ask you to pray for the others … me too.

Leave the first initial of your first or last name (we don’t need to know their names because God knows their names and our hearts) and type out, “GOD HAS MY BACK” to face the fear in faith. Then, pray for those who placed their initials before you.

Faith over fear is WASSUP? this Wednesday.

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How do I approach someone to enter into a difficult conversation?

God used a time when Cal was so mad that he said, “I’m all steamed up!” to teach me through this visual.  After I take a hot shower and go to tame my mane, I can’t see my own reflection because like Cal was that day, it’s all steamed up. It’s not until I wipe the mirror two or three times can I truly see an accurate visual of my reflection.

If you find yourself angry and all steamed up, I want to ask you to wait for a period of time (not forever!) before you approach your friend. When you’re all steamed up, you can’t see things clearly and it could make a mess out of things.

As you’re approaching your approach, consider some things:

1. How will you feel about what you said after the conversation’s done?

Romans 12:9-10 says, “Love must be honest and true. Hate what is evil. Hold on to what is good.  Love each other deeply. Honor others more than yourselves.”

I have two major regrets from when I approached my friend in scenario #2 (from last post).  My first regret is that I waited far. too. long.  I knew this conversation had to be face to face and I delayed for a long time because I was a chicken butt.   My second major regret is that I got very loud in volume and exceptionally wordy, which I tend to do when I’m nervous.  Loud in volume is translated as disrespect.  I regret being so loud and disrespectful.

2. More importantly, what will God think about how you behaved/handled things?

Psalm 33:13-15, “From heaven the Lord looks down and sees everyone. From his throne he watches all those who live on the earth. He creates the hearts of all people.  He is aware of everything they do.”

The truth is that God’s watching.  I’m not writing this to creep you out or make you think GOD IS WATCHING and WAITING TO ZAP YOU IN THE BEHIND WITH A LIGHTNING BOLT.  I mean, God’s watching and cares about two people in your conversation.  If one of you is playing the part of the fool, they’re not really getting away with it because like I said, God’s watching.  So don’t be the one to play the part of the fool, cool?!? 

3.  If God’s asked you to approach your friend and you don’t…disobedience, aka: SIN, separates us from God. And that’s no good.

What else can I say here?

Some other tips that have been shared with me that have helped me “woman-up” and warm up to approaching the approach:

• Forgive quickly. Realize my part in the deal, own it and ask for forgiveness. (Yes, even if the other person was WAY MORE WRONG!)
• Refrain from using “always” or “never” as they’re pretty caustic.
• Consider saying, “I feel…” instead of “You always…”
• Pray before and if necessary, during your conversation.
• Don’t pile on. Go in with no more than 3 things.  If something comes up to distract the conversation, don’t build on and on – stay focused on the main point or points.  Any more than 3, might feel like a pile on.  Ask God which are the prioritized top three.
• Don’t do it alone. Ask God for a friend to bounce some ideas off of. Use wisdom and pray about who that person should be.  In all four of the confrontations, I asked the Finskter and another friend for help because I needed it.

Before I leave you today, I want to ask you to read 2 Timothy 2:22-26, “Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness—faith, love, peace—joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. Refuse to get involved in inane discussions; they always end up in fights. God’s servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil’s trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands.”

As you and I approach, let’s keep in mind that God gave most of us two ears, two eyes and only one mouth.  We’re to listen more, look/watch more and talk less.  Take it from high-word-count-Steph. I know…

What’s one thing that 2 Timothy 222-26 showed you?   What’s a tip to help us in our approach?

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This week I’m doing a short series on the word confrontation.  The truth of the matter is that I’d rather have a pelvic exam than confront someone.  (Hello, TMI.)

You see, I struggle with the word confrontation.  I struggle with confrontations.  I struggle with being confronted.  Well, aren’t I just a party? This could be the people-pleaser in me, it could be that I’m a total weenie or perhaps a combination of both…but I struggle nonetheless. And, if you struggle with confronting confrontations, I just want you to know that you’re not alone my friend.

As I’ve investigated the lives of those that I admire most, I see that they not only confront, but confront in a timely manner.

Successful people confront and do so in a timely manner.

This makes perfect sense to me until I’m faced with a conflict that needs confronting.

I just want peace and somehow in my naivety, I think if I avoid the confrontation it’ll all just go away and the unicorns with prance in front of rainbow-filled waterfalls and I’ll enjoy the view all the more as I suck down an iced coffee.

Then I wake up to reality, still drink the iced coffee, and ask God for help to confront the confrontation.

Galatians 5:13, says that we’re to “serve one another in love…”.  I know God loves me because He confronts me on areas where I’m weak.  I think that’s what true friends do. I know my friends love me when they help me be the best me I can be.

If I saw a friend driving toward a cliff, and she didn’t see it, and I did and said nothing, what kind of friend would I really be?

I’m a results-oriented woman.  In the past five years when I look back and ponder four friends that God’s asked me to confront, or approach, if you like that word better – which I do, the results were not what I thought.  And, I promise that we’ll talk about “responding to the response” on the last day of our series.

Here’s a snapshot of four women that I have loved, in a most imperfect way, that I’ve approached with God’s help:

1.       I approached a friend, via email, about feeling like I’m walked on egg shells around her.  She’s an amazing woman that deeply loves the Lord.  She also had intense unresolved anger which would often bleed onto her husband and children…me too. I took the approach of how it made me feel, hoping to build into her family at a later time.  In her email back I received a, “Well, you’re just too sensitive” response.  Which she was absolutely correct. I am too sensitive and I promised that I would (and still am) working on that.  After a few emails back and forth, we couldn’t come to an acceptable agreement that fit both of us.  Result: Lost friendship.

2.        I approached a friend about a sin.  She “heard” me and agreed.  We continued to talk and be friends until I learned that she lied to me for months.  The betrayal stung. I confronted my feelings and put two boundaries on our relationship in the hopes to safeguard the friendship.  She retaliated on the one boundary and on the other, she kept violating.  Needless to say, we’re no longer friends.  Result: Lost friendship.

3.       I approached a friend about some decisions she was making because we gave each other permission to speak truth to one another.  I learned that she really didn’t want my opinion; she wanted me to validate her actions.  I couldn’t.  She quietly withdrew.  Result:  Injured friendship. We’re still connected and love one another but we’ve not recovered.

4.       I approached a friend about her being too intense in our relationship and that it freaked me out.  I told her that I love her but felt that there was too much pressure on the friendship and I wanted it to grow at God’s pace.  Result: She thanked me (what?!?!) and valued my feelings and feedback.  Our friendship is not just intact, it’s thriving and growing because we continue to support each other.

Confrontation.

Anyone else out there prefer a pelvic exam? What are your thoughts about confronting confrontation? What does God think about confronting confrontation?

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