ENCOURAGED IN HEART

Last week was a big week.  “Cheesecake” and “big” somehow go hand in hand, don’t they?

This past Friday I had my first Mother’s of Preschoolers (MOPS) speaking engagement at McLean Bible Church.  I was nervous, but it went more than being just nervous; I was anxious.

The level of anxiety that I experienced, surprised me.  In my former life as a counterintelligence agent, I gave briefings to large audiences, as large as hundreds of people.  While I had some butterflies before each briefing, it was not equivalent to the level of anxiousness that rose up inside of me this past week.

Chasing your tail around and around is just exhausting.

In my normal ghetto-like lingo, my private times were plagued with, “What up God?  Is this not the path you want for me?”

God showed me I’m no longer just speaking on obvious facts such as personal safety while traveling overseas, I’m  speaking about my life – that’s where all the coocoo for cocoa puffs emotions are coming from.  Talking about facts – easy.  Talking about my life – well, make me feel like that Brady Bunch episode where both Marcia and Jan imagine people in their underwear to “ease their stress”.   Well, my cheerleading cousin, Meredith, gave me the savvy advice, that when I feel nervous, to imagine the audience in their underoos.

Thing is, sharing about my life, makes me feel like I’m the one in the underoos…exposed and for the world to see and it’s not pretty, the whole visual I’m drawing…

It’s scary to open up and share your life.

Which brings me back to the cheesecake.

God showed me that lamenting over my typed notes, one more time, wasn’t what I needed.  What I needed was cheesecake.  While I’m more of a cupcake kinda gal, I’m no snob, I can do cheesecake too.   And not just any cheesecake, cheesecake with my MOMSnext group of gals.

You see, I almost forfeited my Thursday night fun with about fifteen gal-pals at a Cheesecake Factory dinner together, to lament over my notes, again.  I wanted to be well prepared for my Friday mornings presentation.

I was, and not because I went over my notes, again, it was because of cheesecake.  I not only went to the dinner and ate cheesecake, I also lost weight.  All the worry weight I carried in was just lifted off as I laughed with Lynn to dinner, and chuckled with Sarah about our non-craftinesses and her purse that can hold up to 2,000 pounds, and hugged Jennisse, and bonded with new friend Christi, and went over VBS war stories with Kelley, and laughed with Stacy about our vacation stories and heard about Kristen’s “date”.  Kristen knew about my talk the following day, and wasn’t just the one to encourage me to go forward back when there were no speaking engagements to lament over, that she was praying for me for tomorrow.

Thank God for cheesecake!  Thank God for friends!

What I’m saying is, sometimes I chose “working” over connecting and that’s a very dangerous place to be.  I believe the enemy wants us to find reasons to not connect, and giving a talk the following morning on friendships and God, well, that’s a pretty good one to justify away instead of building friendships.

I slept so soundly that night.  The belly laughs were good medicine.  The talk went good, I missed some points and didn’t do “perfect” but I believe because I went out with gal pals the night before it went much better than if I just walked in a worried mess.

So what am I saying? Eat more cheesecake?

Yes and no.  You know my gig with food…

Ashburn based philosopher, Kent “Soul Man” Williams said it this way, “Better to eat a Cinnabon together, than a rice cake alone.”

Eat more fellowship up!  I had dinner and a slice of tiramusau cheesecake…yum! I was so full on fellowship, I wasn’t able to finish my entire cheesecake (though I did put a good hurtin’ on it!).

A huge focus of my blog is my eating addiction and I want to be responsible here.

Sheet cake happens.

At least in my life it does.  “Life happens”.  I eat cake, cup cakes, slices of cheesecake…they’re all part of my eating plan of health, in balance.

A huge part of my eating addiction recovery has been dependent on connecting to safe and healthy people, to be with them instead of isolated alone with icing around my lips.

Taste and see that the LORD is good…Psalm 34:8

Today, I’m asking you, will you choose the sweet taste of fellowship, which may include a cheesecake slice…and risk truly being known, than staying isolated one more day?

Do you like cheesecake?

And, what was that episode all about with Marcia and Jan? I just remember the underwear part?!?

(Photo from Wikipedia.)

I’m writing to you from beautiful Bluffton,South Carolina in the accomadating Marriott office space. The Finkster is shaving while the boys are enjoying some TV time. I mascaraed my lushious lashes quick to pump out a post!

Just had to tell you some exciting goings-ons…The Fink Fam’s headed to Disney and we’re psyched! Jake can’t wait to meet Donald the Duck, (that’s what he keeps calling him…and feels the need to speak like the duck after), Cal had his shorts on the correct way today in route to breakfast today (don’t ask about yesterday). When I noticed, “Yay Cal, you have your shorts on the correct way!” He shook his head saying, “I just guessed…”

Anyhoo…

Many of you joined the “Encouraged In Heart” journey, when I did weekly posts of where I was at in my weekly weigh in..along with a nugget that God laid on my heart that week. I’d like to first say, THANKS for hanging with me as we continue this journey together!

Knowing that you were there to read my progress, helped keep me accountable to keep on, keepin’ on!

I was able to lose 70 pounds, that’s a whole-lotta-
Jersey-girl to leave behind, but was only able to keep 60 of em’ off. God used the Lose it For Life book, workbook and devotional by Stephen Arteburn as such an amazing resource to apply spiritual motivation to a physical and emotional problem.

It was then that I faced and realized that I was an emotional eating addict.

Just the word “addict” gives me the hibbidey-gibbideys.

I weeped because I don’t want to be controlled by anything but God. And God’s been loving and guiding me through.

When I surrendered that 60 pounds was all I could keep off doing what I was doing, I joined Weight Watchers. I needed help in relearning what a portion size looks like.

I cried the entire way home from my first meeting with mean self talk, “What kind of loser gets to 60 pounds and just can’t finish the job?”

“Why do I have to waste my time cramming something else into my already full life just to lose weight/be healthy?”

“Why can’t this just be easy?”

“God, why can’t you just lift the pressure food has on me so I can get on to bigger and better things in life with you?”

I recently heard Stephen Arterburn speak, where he said, “Do what you need to do to perserve the gains that you’ve made.”

Joining Weight Watchers was the next best step for me to preserve the gains (or losses – however you look at it!) that I’ve made. His words were the hug from God that I needed. I need that support group, where people understand me (Lord help em’!).

My accountability time with Nancy this week came about a word – what we joked was “the word of the day”.

Acceptance.

I’ve been committed on this journey for eight years now…and have “accepted” to be on it until I reach the pearly gates cause I know that I was imprisoned by being overweight/obese and not as free to serve God while weighed down.

Acceptance means saying, this is who I am today, prayerfully, not forever…and if it is forever, I won’t be alone, because God’s on my side – you gals too.

I no longer want to beat myself up for who I am not, but rather celebrate myself for who I am…

I am a King’s daughter.

I am loved by God.

I am a sinner, saved by grace.

And currently, a women who struggles with food and needs a program to help keep me “sober”.

I am determined to be found, until my very last breath, actively pursuing God’s best for my life.

Tuesday morning I went to Weight Watchers and found that I HIT MY GOAL WEIGHT!

I’m feeling quite emotionally vulnerable these days as I’m not using food to medicate my emotions and therefore feeling a lot more.

I was feeling (oh these emotions of mine) rather embarassed to take our sons with me to my Weight Watchers weigh in. I didn’t stay for the meeting as the list of things to get done before vacation, well, let’s just say, was not a short one. But I had to prioritize this weigh in before going on the road for a week.

The boys inquired why I was going. I told them, “Mom wants to be healthy for God, and I struggle with eating too much and need help and encouragement to be healthy. Boys, when you’re struggling, get help!”

“When you’re struggling, get help!”

I don’t want to beat up my Pop here, honestly I don’t, but that was not a message I learned as a young grieving girl who needed help processing my mother’s death. Not just my mother’s death. My grandfather died two years before, then my mother, then my dog, then my grandmother (that moved in with us). Four deaths in less than five years is a lot for anyone to handle. I was taught to just suck it up and press on. So, I just stuffed my ever-revolving emotions with food.

To be fair to my Pop, I did learn to never quit from him, and that life lesson is proving vital in my weight loss success.

Well, we’re up to 36 of 50 states on the liscense plate game, and each new state that we’ve entered, the boys and I pumped our arms rapidly to successully have the truckers honk for us (Finkster wasn’t havin’ any of it).

Disney here we come…but even more importantly, I’m traveling one day closer to the “Magical Kingdom”…the mansion with many rooms, where my greatest heart’s desire is to hear the King say, “My child, job well done.”

Will you accept yourself for where you are today? Will you do, what you need to do, to do the next right thing for your life?

Deadliest Catch…

Have you heard of this show? Last year, Dave and I were hooked. It’s about ship crews that race to catch the most crab in the most horrid of weather and conditions, all in the name of earning an honest (and rather lucrative) living.  After Jake, Cal and my non-sea worthy performance on vacation this past summer, I give those guys props!

But as I saw our one son eat out of boredom last month, I realized what the deadliest catch truly is (outside of not knowing Jesus) – contagious addiction.

I know where he “caught” that idea from.  And, it wasn’t Dave…it was me.

I don’t want to disrespect my parents but rather honor them.  Part of this eating addiction recovery has been looking at my life and patterns with honest eyes.  Looking through honest lenses I see that I was taught emotional eating.  I was rewarded for being a member of the “clean plate club” and that taught me to overeat and not listen to my body.  I still continue to struggle with portion control. I’m not blaming them but I did learn it as a child and perfected it as a young woman.

As my mentor, Joyce Meyer, said many times that, “she’s drawing a line in the sand and letting it (addictive/destructive patterns) end” with her. (She had sexual, physical and emotional abuse in her family.)

Then I think about some of my family members, one is a recovering alcoholic and the other (who is in heaven with Jesus today) who battled drug addiction since his teen years.  When his son got arrested for marijuana possession, I thought a similar thought as when my precious son ate out of boredom…deadliest catch.

On the surface, food seems like the “lesser” offense (when compared to alcohol or drugs) because last time I checked, eating is not illegal!  But truly any substance (food, worry and shopping included) that takes the place of God, is a false idol and needs to be remedied ASAP.  Letting anything substitute for Christ is like that “authentic” Gucci watch I bought years ago from an Manhattan street “entrepreneur” – fake and eventually didn’t work.

Do you have a “deadliest catch” that needs God?  Will you allow God to work in you to end the cycle?  It’s not just your life that depends on it…your kids and circle of influence depend on you too.